Healthy Mind features

Whether they're heading off to university or moving out for work or other reasons, older teens will benefit from practical advice on living independently, says behaviour analyst Judi James. Judi also offers tips for parents dealing with empty nest syndrome.

As autumn approaches, some older teens will be looking to leave home and become more independent, perhaps by going to university or having secured their first job and wanting to move into a place of their own.

So what can parents do to prepare their children to become more independent?

Parents have a dual role when it comes to raising their children, and the conflicting nature of those roles tends to come to a head like never before when those children have become teenagers and are about to leave home.

Like any other animal, the parent has a responsibility to train their children towards independence so that they can survive and thrive on their own.

But there is also the role of protector, leading to potential anxieties about when to cut the reins and when to keep them under a covering of emotional bubble-wrap.

Our modern society tends to place huge emphasis on the latter role, with many kids now rarely allowed to travel far from the parameters of their own homes alone, and often spending hours in their bedrooms playing 'risk-free' with their computers.

So what happens when they're out of sight for good and you're finally staring at that empty nest?

Here are some practical tips for preparing your children - as well as yourselves - for greater independence from each other.

• Encourage your teen to be more independent while at home. Hopefully, you'll have been easing off the nurturing throttle for several years before the big break occurs. Although tending for and caring for a child is an expression of love, any child needs to learn how to tend for and care for itself. If you're still washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning up after your more-than-capable teen, now could be a good time to wean them off the habit of being totally dependent on their doting mum and/or dad. Nudging is better than confrontation and you will probably need to live with the fact that your teen's tidiness habits are not the same as yours! Ordering or nagging teens into clearing up after themselves will often create a 'rebellious child' attitude that means they never accept responsibility for the tasks. The more adult and reasonable your tone and persuasions, the more adult is likely to be their response.
• Change the focus of your offers of help. If you find yourself offering to continue to do their washing and sending food supplies once they're at university, for example, you need to start wondering if this is more about you than them. How about offering a different type of help, such as training in self-sufficiency? Finding some basic recipes for healthy foods they like and offering to coach them through the cooking/washing machine mastery could be a useful investment of time on both sides.
• Trade competencies. This is an effective - and subtle - way of making your teen feel mature enough to learn from you. For example, tell them you're worried about using the PC without having them around to give advice, and ask them to train you in some IT techniques you'd like to master. Mutual helplessness is always more rapport-building.
• Have 'the talk' before they go. Don't assume even the most seemingly street-wise teen knows all about life, the universe etc, even in this day and age. However, this talk, too, should ideally be instigated in the 'adult' state' so the discussion is as adult-adult as you can make it. Tell them they will be making their own decisions about things from now on and here's what you hope they'll decide about things like drinking, drugs, safe sex, healthy eating etc. And tell them why. Persuading and influencing by reminding them of all the factors involved is better than just insisting along the old 'because I say so' line. It helps to have proof to back up your advice, so nip online first to get all the facts about alcohol danger limits etc. Try not to go on about your own time at uni while you're talking. It will sound like something from the pages of history to them! It's also a good idea to negotiate some ground rules about contact and keeping in touch regularly.
• Plan what you will do when they're gone. taking extra care to keep busy around the times that you would normally have been seeing them when they lived at home. It could be that your own response will surprise you once they're away from home for the first time. Do a quick audit of the extra time you'll have on your hands and find a couple of new ways to fill it, rather than just allowing your normal tasks to spread out.
• Do avoid acting too jolly though! Although your teen might seem desperate to leave the nest, openly planning exactly how you're going to use their bedroom when they've gone will feel hurtful, even if it's said as a joke. Whatever the levels of bravado, your teen will want to feel there's a solid base waiting at home for them, as it's vital for their confidence as they navigate their new environment. Leaving their room untouched is a silent way of letting them know they're welcome back at any time. Re-decorating or getting a lodger can make them feel you couldn't wait to get rid of them!

Rather than coping with empty nest syndrome on children's departure from the family home, many parents are dealing with the opposite syndrome: older offspring remaining at home or moving back in.

Although the majority of these are young adults aged between 18 and 24 - perhaps returning after finishing university or unable to afford to rent or buy their own home - an increasing number are in their 30s and 40s.

Research in 2009 by Abbey Mortgages found that almost 500,000 adults aged 35-44 had moved back in with their parents during the past year.

The previous Labour government published a guide written by psychologist Denise Taylor, called Parent Motivators. This was mainly aimed at encouraging returning graduates to seek work and leave the family home.

The guide urged parents to show 'tough love' to boomerang offspring or other adult children living at home. Suggestions included reducing the amount of practical support they provide to adult children, such as doing the washing and ironing

Providing free board and lodging and/or an allowance is unlikely to encourage adult children to flee the nest, noted Ms Taylor.

Name:

Email address:
(not displayed)

Your message:
(required)

Dealing with dyslexia
Diet, brain training and the right educational support may all help improve dyslexia symptoms, explains Robin Pauc, dyslexia expert and author of 'Is that my child?

Is a detox really worth it?
Three out of four people start a detox or diet regime after Christmas. Before you purge your system.

Wrapping it up for Christmas
Preparing for Christmas can be stressful, so if gift shopping is proving tricky, we've got some expert suggestions for health-related presents. And don't forget to look after yourself too during the festive season by following our tips to help you stay fit and relaxed.

Why pets are good for your health
If you've brought a pet for Christmas, remember that, although caring for a furry friend is a big (and long-term) commitment, it can pay dividends in health benefits for you and your family, says psychologist Judi James

Keeping stress at bay
Stress can have a significant effect on your health. If you would like to keep work stress at bay and improve your emotional wellbeing, psychologist Judi James has some practical tips.

Young people take centre stage for International Youth Day
Encourage your children to get involved in International Youth Day by organising a concert, an exhibition, a public debate or joining an organised event aimed at celebrating the contribution young people make to the world.

Harnessing the motivational effects of music...
While we all enjoy listening to music, we often underestimate the profoundly beneficial motivational effects it can have on us, says behaviour expert Judi James. Judi looks at how music can help promote wellbeing - from stress-busting to powering us up!

Work off stress to the sound of music!
Research suggests that our mental performance is at its peak with a moderate level of stress. But how can we reduce our stress level when we have little time to unwind? Try a lunchtime workout to the sound of music, advises fitness coach Lucy Wyndham Read.

How to survive (or escape!) World Cup fever
GP Alasdair R Wright and behaviour analyst Judi James offer advice to football fans bracing themselves for a month of emotional turmoil as the World Cup gets underway. And if international football leaves you cold, we suggest some escape routes

Helping your kids develop social skills
If you're stuck for ideas at half term, why not spend some time helping your kids develop their social skills? It could have important benefits for their confidence and emotional well-being, says behaviour analyst Judi James.

Keeping it real with social networking sites
Social networking websites have opened up a whole new world of social communication, allowing us to form an almost unlimited number of 'virtual' friendships. But these are no substitute for real friends, argues behaviour analyst Judi James

Tuning into the real spirit of Christmas
With all the in-store promotions and advertising everywhere we look, it\'s easy to see Christmas as a time of overspending and overindulgence. In doing so, we can overlook the real benefits of the season, says behaviour expert Judi James.

Tackling stress through positive changes
Taking time out to face up to the stress in our lives and examine potential lifestyle and attitude changes could pay significant dividends in terms of our future well-being, says behaviour expert Judi James.

'Me time': the golden rules of de-stressing
We live in a stressful world, and family, work and a host of other responsibilities can leave us little time for the fun things in life. So how can we recover some precious time for ourselves? Behaviour expert Judi James offers some valuable tips

Healthy themes for special summer days
You don't have to jet off to an exotic location to feel the physical and psychological benefits of a summer break. Planning themed meals and special days out can be just as invigorating, says behaviour expert Judi James.

Message to couch potatoes: yes, you can!
‘Be Active, Be Healthy’ is the government's new strategy to get the nation’s couch potatoes off their sofas. We look at some of the key measures, and get tips on how to motivate ourselves to be more active from behaviour expert Judi James...

Valentine's Day: a celebration of all love, actually!
Having positive and confident body language can be a powerful ally in helping us attain our goals, says behaviour analyst Judi James. But how do we adapt the (often subconscious) non-verbal signals we send to ourselves and others?

Body language for goal confidence!
Having positive and confident body language can be a powerful ally in helping us attain our goals, says behaviour analyst Judi James. But how do we adapt the (often subconscious) non-verbal signals we send to ourselves and others?

All I want for Christmas is... family fun and games!
Has your family Christmas become an endless round of cooking and eating interspersed with hours slumped in front of the TV? Then bring back the fun with some cheap and cheerful traditional games, suggests behaviour analyst Judi James.

Recipe for a happy family: sit down and eat together!
Has there ever been a time in your life when the weight you were carrying upon your shoulders became so heavy and burdensome, that you knew you needed to find a way to lighten it, to share it, to find another way to carry it?

Choosing a Counsellor or Therapist
Has there ever been a time in your life when the weight you were carrying upon your shoulders became so heavy and burdensome, that you knew you needed to find a way to lighten it, to share it, to find another way to carry it?

Feeling overwhelmed? Try changing your thinking...
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them,” said Einstein. But can changing the way we think make it easier for us to cope with our problems? The answer for many is yes – with the help of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT).

Stress - a 21st century disease?
In the latest Healthy Mind Show, behaviour and stress expert Judi James joins presenter Glen Tomsett for an in-depth look at stress. Judi explains what causes stress, how to recognise the symptoms, and the importance of perception and control in managing stress in our lives.

The power of friendship
Find out why friendships are so good for the soul, and read tips on how to foster and maintain them.

Boost your memory power NOW!
Find out about memory loss, and proactive measures you can take to prevent it.

Putting food into perspective: how to control your eating
Azmina discusses the how to lose weight and adopt eating habits that will help you stay at your target weight.

Beating the winter blues - don't let the dark days get you down!
Behavioural and motivational consultant Nina Puddefoot looks at ways to beat the winter blues.